Introduction to an Adventurous Girl
If I could sum myself up in one word, it would have to be clumsy! I once dislocated my knee while watching a movie and I have sprained my ankle quite a few times from falling down the stairs or just tripping over air. I am a micro-biology major entering into my junior year at OU. I aspire to be a physician’s associate one day in urgent care and then pediatric orthopedics. I have insanely over protective parents, so this one time when I got a nose bleed, they called 911... I have 3 older siblings (yes, the last time we took a picture together was my high school graduation). I hear a lot of people say that they don't get along with their siblings but I spend a lot of time hanging out with my brothers and sister. My siblings and I at my high school graduation: Photo taken by Van Tran I love being outdoors so I was mostly outside this summer playing volleyball, swimming, hiking, playing tennis, and getting
Hello Rosa! I just ready your story, A Lion Without His Tail. I loved the way that your writing was set up in simple paragraphs to recount the events that took place and the idea that you had to change the main character from a fox into a lion. I wonder what it must have been like for the lion without his tail and with his pride so damaged. What if, as an idea of how to revise the story, you potentially changed the point of view to that of the lion instead of a third person voice? This might be a cool way to add a perspective of the animal that lost so much pride and that was so mortified to not have his tail. I also really like the way that you incorporated ideas from a few different pieces that Aesop wrote through the way that you remembered the other piece where the lion played the part of the trickster. Overall, I really liked this piece and I think a little polishing would make it especially powerful.
ReplyDeleteHi Rosa! I just finish reading the first story from your portfolio and I actually like it a lot. The descriptions and details you put into writing the scene of the lion hunting the antelope is great. I also like that you change the protagonist from a fox to the lion. That is indeed something new and a lion, who is full of pride is a perfect character for this story as well. One thing I notice that some of your sentence often starts with "the lion." Therefore, I am wondering if you can start a sentence with something else, like start a sentence with the action of your character such as "Pacing back and forth, the lion....etc," or instead of "the lion," you can use, "He, the mighty beast of all animal...etc" Overall, I really like the idea your story and for once, a lion is a trickster instead of the fox is somehow, very satisfying!
ReplyDeleteHello Rosa,
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed your story a lot! Your portfolio looks nice and fits well with your storytelling. I liked that you combined elements from different stories to make this come together. I think changing the main character animal from a fox to a lion was a good idea and your reasoning for doing so was sound.
For revising purposes, if this were my story, I'd focus on fleshing out the lion as a character a bit more. I know it's easy to assume that Lions are very prideful in general but if there was some character description of how he was before his tail got cut off, I think that would make his fall that much more disastrous for the reader. I would also work on the ending a bit because it feels a bit quick to me right now.
Maybe adding in the foxes at the beginning and having the lion show off his superior looks would create a bigger conflict later when he has to go out in front of them without his tail.
Overall, characterization and background are going to help you a lot! I think this is really good for your first story! Just needs a little bit of work and you'll be golden!
Hey, Rosa!
ReplyDeleteGreat job with your story! The background image of the lion really grabbed my attention. Such a bold and powerful picture. First, I'd like to comment on the setup of your page.
I really like the way that you split up the formatting into simple paragraphs. This made the story easy to follow, which I appreciated.
There are several things I am curious about in your story. I would love to see a little bit more of an explanation of the lion before the hunt begins! Perhaps if we (the readers) could understand his perspective a little bit more, we would have more context as to why his tail loss was so terrible.
I think it would also add some depth to your story if you examined the lion's thought process on a deeper level, particularly when he decides to own his lack of tail in front of the foxes. How does he suddenly decide to prance around in as if having no tail is a positive thing? This would display a lot of character development, which would be meaningful for both the lion and for the audience.
I think this conveys some powerful themes about attitude. No matter what, the lion has lost his tail, and there is little he can do in order to return to his original state. However, his attitude makes all the difference in moving forward!
Keep it up!
Hey Rosa,
ReplyDeleteTo start off, I have to say that I really enjoyed your story. It is obvious that you are a great storyteller, You did a great job of selecting your character to build off of the original story. Your story reminds me a lot of modern remakes of classic, but in your case the story did not suck and your variation at the end was better than the original.
I honestly have no critiques for this story, since it was so well written. However, for future reference, have you ever considered making REALLY drastic changes? If the original characters were humans, change them into animals and vice versa. Instead of set in the wilderness, maybe change the setting to that of a modern city. For your future stories, I would really love it if you could change up the premise as much as you did the ending for your story.
Good luck with the rest of the semester!
Rosa, I like how you changed the main character to a lion and connected it to pride. It makes sense that a lion would be embarrassed about something like this happening to him/her. I think the most memorable part of this story is when the lion goes over scenarios in his head. Even though you didn’t explain any of the scenarios, I pictured the lion just thinking of highly unrealistic situations that would happen to embarrass him even more. Although I understand that this is a light-hearted story, I am curious as to why the lion would be concerned about what foxes think about him. I was thinking what if the lion just attacked any of the foxes that made fun of him which would deter anyone else from trying to embarrass him. For your website, I like the pictures you have used so far. The only thing I would recommend changing is a brief description of the stories you are going to use on the cover page so that the reader knows the gist of what the story pertains to.
ReplyDeleteHi Rosa! I think the images on your website are very nice! “…the antelope into one of their traps in order to capture the antelope” seemed repetitive. Maybe try supplementing “the creature” or something similar in place of “antelope.” I liked that you changed the story to work around a lion instead of the fox. I agree that lions are often seen as prideful and this adds another dimension to your protagonist’s personality. I would love to see you add a bit more to this. I want to hear about the lion’s panic when he first loses his tail and his heartbreak when realizes he is less of a lion than before. It would also be interesting to hear the foxes’ thoughts. Surely they weren’t immediately convinced. Or maybe they were because the lion put a lot of time and planning into his scheme. Your author’s note did a good job of summarizing the original story and justifying your alterations. Very good job! I’m excited to see what more you’ll do with this.
ReplyDeleteHi Rosa! I just read your story about a lion without a tail and I loved it! I thought having the lion be the one to lose his tail instead of the fox was such a creative and original spin. It really showed an interesting aspect of fables in that if you change the characters used, it changes the whole meaning. I think this story might be easier to read if there were a few more pronouns instead of just lion and antelope. It just kind of takes the reader out of the story because it feels a little repetitive. I totally agree with you that it would be too sad if the lion had to go back into hiding and I'm so glad that didn't happen but I wish we got to see a little bit more of the lion trying to convince the foxes that having no tail was cool. I don't think the foxes would immediately start cutting off their tails after one argument because they are the tricksters of fables. I wonder what would happen if the foxes tried to trick the lion and then he bested them and got them to cut off their tails? I think that would reveal another new message in the fable! I really liked your writing and can't wait to read more of your portfolio!
ReplyDeleteHey Rosa! Your story was wonderful. I loved your use of descriptive words. It made it easier to picture what the lion was doing. I can't help but wonder if the lion was in pain after getting his tail cut off. Adding something like that to the story might make it seem a little more realistic. Also, what if the lion made it sound like going through a trap and making it out alive was like a dare devil stunt. Like he meant to do it, and that he is super tough for making it through it. Maybe he could challenge the foxes to get as close as they could to traps without actually getting caught. Or make it like an initiation thing for a "tough animal" club.
ReplyDeleteHello! I just read your story "A Lion Without a Tail," and I think I may like it more than the original! I loved the images that you chose for the story and the bottom picture of the lion and the fox at the entrance of the cave was perfect.
ReplyDeleteAs I read through the story, I was wondering about the lion's background. You stated that he is the King of the Beast later in the story but what if you did a more in depth description of the lion at the beginning of the story so that he isn't mistaken for any old lion. Maybe you could even describe how he looks and how proud he is so that when the tail is removed his embarrassment is more clear. I was also wondering if there was any moral to the story since most of Aesop's Fables had a small summary of the moral at the end.
When it comes to your portfolio, I really liked the images you chose but what if you had the story aligned to the left rather than centered? This may make the paragraphs stand out more and make the story easier to read visually.
Great work!
Hey Rosa,
ReplyDeleteI found your version of the story so convincing, that I did not realize until I read the author's note that you had changed the ending and the character of the lion. The actions of both the lion and the group of foxes just seemed like exactly what they would do in that situation! The one thing I would suggest to make your story even more exciting would be to vary your sentence structure, especially in the first paragraph where several sentences start with the lion.
As for your portfolio site, the story page looks nice but the home page does not have much information on it. Are you planning to add more as you have more stories? Maybe if they develop a common theme you could find a related picture for the home page. Also I am just curious - where does the soul in Soul Tran come from?
Hi Rosa!
ReplyDeleteI have never read the original story, but your version amazed me. Even after reading the author's notes and gaining knowledge of the original story, I was still in awe by how engaged I was while reading yours. Making the lion, instead of the fox, the one to lose his tail was a great change from the original story line. I do wonder, however, what it was like for the lion to walk back to his cave? Wouldn't other animals or even the humans have seen the king of the jungle in all his tailless glory walking back? What is you kept a part of the original story true and the lion didn't convince the foxes. Instead they would anger the lion from all the ridicule and in turn the lion would bite all the foxes tails off. That would be a more aggressive approach to the ending, but in the end the story was still a great piece of storytelling.
Hi Rosa!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed this story. Not only are lions typically portrayed as kings, but also having a lot of courage, like in the Wizard of OZ.. I loved how you also portrayed this character. I also liked how this story had a happy ending. I am glad the lion got over his pride and left his cave. I thought it was quite comical how the foxes ended up following in his footsteps, even if it was to prove the lion wrong. The lion probably set a trend among all the animals in the forest. I thought that this "trend" created a more modern edge to the story. I wonder what would have happened if the lion had left his cave sooner? Or maybe what if he would have never been ashamed of his missing tail? What would the lion have done if the foxes did not follow in his trend? Would he have continued to be ashamed of his tail or would he have eventually got over it? Your story was really good and it left me questioning what would have happened in different scenarios and I think that is what a good story is supposed to do. Great Job and I look forward to reading more!
Hi Rosa! I read “A Lion Without His Tail” and “The Cave of Gold.” I thought you did a great job on both! My favorite part in the first story was when the foxes started to bite of their tales, as well! It’s funny how confidence in your flaws can make people seem so much greater. I think this part of your story was a reminder to embrace all your flaws even if that means they are so different from what is considered “normal.” In the second story, my favorite part was how the father started to miss his daughters. I like that you switched this part up and added in affection. What if you included dialogue in your first story between the family members? I think this would be a great way to enhance emotions in this story. Overall, I thought both stories were a great read. I think my favorite so far would have to be “A Lion Without His Tail.”
ReplyDeleteHi Rosa,
ReplyDeleteIt's nice when the randomizer tells me to follow up on a project. I enjoyed reading 'Cave of Gold,' and the pictures fit it quite nicely. I like how you changed it so that the wolf and fox protected the girls. One addition that might be nice would be to explain how the father got the idea to have his daughters be eaten by wolves. Even though he was angry, it seems like the thought would need to be sparked by something, like maybe a painting of a wolf. Also, why were the other girls skeptical? Do they already not trust their father? It might be difficult to include, but how did the father explain what had happened to the mom and other daughters? Also how did he convince them to come to the cave with him?
Small detail for the home page - I think it would look nice if you added a colored background for the text.
Hi Rosa! Your portfolio website looks great! I have read your story "Manthara's Turn to Tell the Story" before and I really enjoyed it. It is refreshing to see the point of view from a different character. When I read your story I actually thought about telling a story for my portfolio from the point of view of Ravana.
ReplyDeleteAfter I finished reading your story I was wanting more information about Manthara's time with Kaikey. What kinds of things would she do for Kaikey? Would they talk and laugh together? Were they quiet with each other? Also, have you thought about aligning your images to the center of the page?
When you begin to add more stories to your portfolio I think it would be a great idea to add more description to the home page of your portfolio. Maybe add a picture from each of the stories that you share in the portfolio.
Good luck with the rest of your portfolio!
Hey Rosa! Nice start to your project! Your portfolio looks excellent! I feel like you put a lot of thought into your story and it was nice reading this since it had multiple point of views. I love the selection of the pictures you used in your project as well. I liked when the lion decides to leave his cave after giving up his pride. Very good start and i hope to read more of your work later!
ReplyDelete